The Comedy of Aging

My dad used to lament “getting old really stinks”.
I always thought he was being melodramatic.

But…..then it happened‎. He was right.

Let’s do a Top 10 list.

Why getting old stinks

10. You stand on the goal line and throw the football as far as you can, and‎ it soars through the air and lands on the 14 yard line. And your son yells back to you , WAY back to you: “gosh Dad that wind is awful. Let’s just do some running plays!”

It happened, it sucked.

9. You hear the announcer at Stamford train station say: “Amtrak #2160 to Boston will be departing on the track you were NOT expecting it to!”

So, you run up the stairs, two at a time, then one at a time, then you take a breather and pretend that you think you might need to go back down, you rest, then one more step. And then you stop at the board to see when the next train is.

8.‎ You find yourself looking up at the viagra commercial, wondering how long ago it was that you made fun of it. ….and then wondering if anyone is noticing you are no longer making fun of it.

7. Your SALT and pepper hair starts falling out. THIS one really hit me hard because it hasn’t been one at a time. I am watching my scalp being exposed like some sort of time- lapse of a chia pet played backwards. I find myself not washing my hair every day, being extra careful about putting on pull-over shirts.

6. I look down at the bracelet on my wrist and whisper to nobody: What the hell is that? Since when do I wear jewelry?…. And then I notice that it has my home address on it, and my ATM code. I look over at my wife and she is nervously looking away, and she blurts out: “Did you hear that the Johnsons bought a new barbeque grill?”

5. The yard looks different. Your flower beds are overgrown with weeds, and tomato plants. You run over the hammock with your car because you tied it to the trailer hitch, thinking it’s the camper.

4. Stuff starts happening that makes no sense: “Honey what the hell is my chainsaw doing in the garbage?! And why is the garbage man taking all the ladders?”

4. You show up at your daughter’s freshman matriculation event and are told, in an obnoxiously sweet voice: “Grandparents’ Day is NEXT week”‎.

3. Your wife walks up to you and zips up your fly, wipes the corners of your mouth and whispers: “go over to Mary and apologize for asking her if she’s upset that her clothes don’t fit her anymore”

2. You cry because it’s time to change your Linkedin picture to something remotely close to what you currently look like.

And the number one reason getting old really sucks?

Umm. Hang on. Is that 10? Or 11?

What was I saying?